I found this on a friend's facebook page and followed it to her blog. I thought it very interesting, pretty validating, but overall quite sad. It states what has gone around in my mind so very many times. Good read.
Why 4 (Kids) is the New 6 and 5 is the New 11
[credit to Amber Hawkins Warren: http://alicesworld.wordpress.com]I’m listening to the delicate and lulling sound of my teething son screaming himself to sleep, wondering how it is that people are still having multiple children. In fact, in Utah (where I live) it’s quite common. So common than my mother-in-law is disappointed that we only want 2. Maybe 3. But maybe just 2. Notwithstanding freaky Octomom, there are a lot of normal parents having a big family. My parents had 6. I think they’re normal.
But there are a lot of differences in the world in which my parents raised a family and the world in which I am now raising a family. So this blogpost, while not condoning or condemning anyone for their chosen family size, is an attempt to justify why I think it’s a lot harder to have a big family these days.
- Social Pressure. My parents started a family back in 1959 when having a big family was more common. The US family size was 3.35, whereas now it’s somewhere around 2.5. You could go to a public place (restaurant, business) with 6 kids in tow and not get impudently stared at. Now, I’m one of those gawkers. I see more than three children and I lose focus on whatever I’m doing. Thoughts like “how do their parents keep their names straight” and “how do they fit them all in one car” race through my mind. Now it’s just not the norm to have more than 2 children. Social pressure says any more than two is just plain extravagant.
- Fitting all those Kids in Car Seats. My parents fit 6 kids in a station wagon that now would fit barely 3 kids with car seats now. Back then, we fit in there just fine. Four in the back and two in the seat-less cargo area. Now that you need kids in car seats until they’re 20 (ok it’s eight) how are parents supposed to fit all their kids in the car at the same time? Seriously, you can forget about a fuel-efficient vehicle. We rarely wore seat belts when we were kids. Taking corners, we’d jam our shoulders into our brother or sister, smashing them into the car door. We climbed over the seats and fought. It was great fun. Soccer moms get blamed for their huge, glitzy SUVs with DVD players, but what else are the kids going to do while they’re in seat prison?
- Challenge of Keeping Kids Safe. When I was growing up, my mom NEVER hovered over me when I was playing. She never played with me. She was in the kitchen making dinner, taking a rest, sewing, etc. I had plenty of freedom and plenty of ground to cover. I played in the backyard with my best friend Alicia, in her backyard, in the field across the street. We rode bikes around the neighborhood, we walked to Top Stop 3 miles away. The world was just different when I was growing up. My mom didn’t have to worry about whether or not someone was going to steal me away or kidnap me while I’m playing in the backyard. Not to sound too doom and gloom about “our world today” but here’s the material point: my mother got her “me” time. She wasn’t constantly with me. Mothers these days can’t just go send their kids off to the park. They have to go with them. This cuts in considerably on mommy’s “get anything done” time. Consequently, they turn to TV and video games to entertain their young kids since they can’t send them off to play by themselves very easily anymore. So moms get stuff done and kids get fat.
- Financial Pressure. Somewhere along the lines, we got to thinking that kids should have their own bedrooms. Kids should have their own computers. Kids need their own cell phones. Kids need designer clothes. Notwithstanding all this nonsense, which is also very real right now, my parents bought their 5 bedroom Bountiful home for $20,000. That’s right, it’s not missing a zero. Now homes are 20 times that amount for a 5 bedroom. Homes now are bigger, but they don’t offer more bedrooms, just more vaulted ceilings. The ratio to the cost of a home and our salaries nowhere compares to how it was when my parents bought their home. Houses cost more and incomes are not rising to the occasion. I think we could do more and live on less than we do, but the cost of raising a family is higher than it used to be when bigger families were more prominent.
6 comments:
Interesting her points, but I have to say for the most part I disagree. And at the end of the day no matter what the differences between any time, whether our parents or grandparents generation, one thing hasn't changed. That one thing is the commandment from the Lord to multiply and replenish. I completely understand that family planning is a personal choice and all things have to be considered, but I worry too many people make excuses instead of having real reasons.
Ok, so there was my soapbox and I mean no offense to any one...hope it didn't come off the wrong way.
Hey, no offense better be taken. I believe people take offense because they're insecure about their ideas and totally lame. Besides, I love controversy.
I do agree that the world today is a lot different than when we grew up, but our world was different from the generation before, etc. I feel the social pressures, and know the inconveniences and expenses of having a large family, but the bottom line for me is: how many kids are we supposed to have in our family and how many kids can I handle? :o) If there are 5 kids that are meant to be in our family, and I'm willing to ask and follow promptings that come, the Lord will provide a way for us to provide for our family.
Doors have been opened for us right and left when we chose to have a family despite social and economic pressures. Even when we were poor students, many of our peers were surprised that we were having kids while in school... and close together. But we knew that was right for us. Miracle after miracle happened. Help was found, raises were given, educational funding was acquired, internships, a great job, cheaper housing, etc. etc. I don't believe that's because we were lucky. I believe it's because we chose to do what was right. The Lord really does bless us when we have families. :o)
I'm not surprised that we are becoming more "peculiar" as time goes on. The scriptures say that will happen. I love that I can still find great support from family (like you!) and a few friends who believe the same way.
As far as the safety and "mom time" issues, I also think we have to find ways to adjust to how things are. I can't let my kids play outside alone, but I can find ways to still get that all-important me-refreshing time. Where there's a will, there's a way!
You're awesome, Jeanette! Thanks for sharing a little controversy :o)
I could list even more reasons, but I could also list reasons why we have it a lot better now. It's sixes.
My first thoughts upon reading this were that I felt sorry that your friend feels the need to justify "only" having 2 or 3 kids. I know many good people with 2/3 children and have never given it a 2nd thought. When raising a family it is the parent's and Lord's decision on how many children they should have...not the neighbors! Your friend should feel no more need to justify her decision in having a "small" family as someone else should feel for her decision to have a "large" family.
The one point I did feel bad about, however, was her claim that her mother, while raising 6 kids, had more "me" and more "rest time." I don't care what generation someone lives in, 6 kids is 6 kids! There are still 6 pregnancies, 6 labor/deliveries, 6 mouths to feed, 6 bodies to dress and clean, 6 minds to teach. 6 spirits to love and nurture....6 of everything! And, I have to agree with Molly in saying that are are many things that are better now than they were a generation ago. We mothers today enjoy many conveniences that make our lives easier, that our mothers could only dream of. I hope your friend appreciates her mother...and her efforts to raise 6 kids!
I agree with that last part of Courtenay's comment - sounds like that person who thinks her mom had so much "me time", hasn't thought about how her mom probably slaved in the kitchen most of the day, making meals to feed her family, while we have so many more technological conveniences to help us get things done today. Though being a mom is a ton of work, I'll bet we have more "me time" now than hands-on parents have ever had in any previous generation.
It is too bad that she feels she has to justify, but like someone else said, we are supposed to be looking more and more "peculiar", not caving to social pressure. Yay for mommies! :)
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