Monday, January 31, 2011


My house is not haunted. My bedroom is.

We have a ceiling fan/light over our bed. It has 3 different speeds. As a gift to me Mark set it up to be on a remote so I wouldn't have to manually change it. Very thoughtful, very sweet. But somehow it offended the room.
Now at random intervals throughout the day our light will turn on/off, and the fan will pick and choose different speeds to blow. On its own. Without anyone in the room. Or you could be in the room and it will do it on its own.
Mark says it must have something to do with the frequency that it's on and maybe a neighbor has something on the same one?
I might be able to buy that, but it doesn't explain my clock...
My alarm clock is useless - as an alarm, and as a clock. The thing doesn't work. But the way it doesn't work is so perplexing, again I have to chalk it up to the haunted room.
See, you can set the time and it will be correct for a number of days, and then all of a sudden it will be 45 mins fast. Or 20 mins slow. Or 4 hours off one way or another. Whatever it is, it is never predictable and never the same. And the alarm? You'd think that by having it switched to "off" would mean it wouldn't go off. Not so! This thing goes off any time it jolly-well feels like it! Aargh!
The other night was especially fun when I awoke to the fan going at full speed. It was a chilly night, so I wanted it off. It wasn't a couple of hours before the alarm then sounded. Great way to wake up in the middle of the night. I turned it off and was just about to sleep (again), when the lights flew on. Really? REALLY?!
Turned them off. Back to sleep. 2 hours later the alarm goes off - again.
I was ready to scream.

For Christmas Mark got me a new alarm clock. It was a fancy-schmancy one that set itself by satellite, so it was always accurate. No more crazy time changes! Hooray!
I excitedly plugged it in to try it out...
only to find that it consistently set itself to the wrong date.

No kidding. My room is haunted.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Pride & Pregnancy

I had a marriage counselor who liked to say,

"Marriage is God's way of beating selfishness out of us. Literally."

If that's true, then I think the accompanying adage is,
"Pregnancy is God's way of stripping pride from us. Literally."

The way I see it, pregnancy is 9 months of beating you down in one way or another until the point that you finally give up, submit and willingly go through an ordeal terrible enough that no sane person would want to do it unless it meant ending the months of misery. Sorta like those torture scenes in the movies where they beat the guy so bad he is begging for death. Yeah. Like that.
You think I'm kidding? Over-exaggerating? Being a little dramatic?
But let's examine the evidence:
at the beginning of your lovely journey you have the option of announcing or not announcing. Wisdom would dictate that not announcing could spare potential pain and added grief if things go bad. But then, it leaves you at your most tired and most sick without any explanation to anyone not privy to your secret. OR, you can announce, risk having to make another announcement that you would rather not make, and then start the time-table ticking for everyone to constantly ask, "When are you due? Really? That far? But haven't you been pregnant forever already?" Why yes; yes I have. Thank you for pointing that out.

After a good few weeks of this, you are told you can at least look forward to the part of your pregnancy where you "feel great." Ha.
That, my friends, is a contradiction of terms: "pregnancy" and "feeling great." What a scam! Build you up, make you think you're through the worst of it, and that soon all the puking and nausea and queasiness over random smells will magically end. Sucker! As an added insult to injury, there actually will be a few lucky ones who do feel better. And they'll do all sorts of impressive things with their time and energy to make you look and feel like a lazy lump on a log, with your only comfort being that you're still having to make a mad dash to the sink or toilet at randomly-timed intervals through-out the day. Oh wait...

Next comes "pregnancy brain." This is the time when you think you are functioning as a normal person. No. In reality your memory is shot, your concept of time is completely out of whack, simple instructions magically complicate as you try to follow them, conversations become increasingly difficult to keep straight, hearing is impaired, thought process gets fuzzy, and soon speaking coherently without mixing up phrases or forgetting words takes brain power you would normally reserve for the MCAT or Bar Exam.

This takes us to the next phase - the stupid question/comment phase. As your "pregnancy brain" becomes more pronounced, so does your belly. And people CANNOT resist telling you so. Mostly in ways that are unhelpful, unflattering and generally just undesirable. Unless you enjoy a good, demeaning statement emphasizing that you are the size of a house from each random stranger who feels you deserve a good, public humiliation. Add to that the included invasion of personal boundaries when people suddenly forget you are not Buddha, or that it is not generally acceptable to reach out and rub other peoples' bellies.

At this point you can either develop some great defense moves or come up with some great retorts that will undoubtedly increase the awkwardness of the already painful situation. Or grow a "thicker skin." Yeah, cos you haven't already grown enough...

One thing that does not grow, however, is the time between potty breaks. In fact, this may just disappear altogether. As a bonus, your ability to 'control' the situation will disappear as well. This will leave you violently crossing your legs each time you cough, laugh or sneeze, peeing your pants 20x a day, or wearing Depends. Or all three. Oh, and this feature is one you get to keep forever more!

And for those of you who think running to the bathroom is an option, I regret to inform you that you will no longer be able to run. Or even walk. Waddling becomes your only possible method of transportation, and that is only after waiting a sufficient amount of time after sitting/standing/laying that your muscles are actually able to move again. Be aware that it is also highly likely that at this point you will start retaining ridiculous amounts of water and storing it in your legs on down. Feet turn to footballs and ankles are traded in for cankles. The upside is that you are now free to wax your legs without feeling even a sting. That is, if you can still reach them.

And lest any of you think that staying in bed and hiding out from the world is an option, as tempting as it sounds, it is not actually possible or feasible. Remember that asteroid-sized protrusion on your middle? It's now going to start kicking your innerds - ribs, organs, whatever. Especially when you lay down. And if you think finding a comfortable way of laying down is manageable, you will be sorely disappointed. Obviously sleeping on your belly is not an option. Even if you don't mind laying as if high-centered over a boulder, it isn't advisable for the baby. Neither is on your back, as the weight of your globe-sized extension will actually squish veins inside you and prevent jr. from breathing. On your side, the pull from your projecting appendage will strain your back; slightly elevated can alleviate some of the acid reflux, but crams your distention up into your ribs, thus preventing you from taking anything more than short, strained gasps of air.

Folklore would have you believe that through this whole time you will "glow" from the magic happening within. I think of it more in terms of how radioactive material glows to warn you to stay away. Folklore would also like you to believe that the reason behind your face breaking out like a teenager is because you're either having a girl and therefore 'giving her your beauty,' or because you're having a boy and therefore have too much testosterone in you. Either way, you're a crater-face. And the lush, luminous hair? Sets you up for disappointment all the more when all your hair falls out after baby arrives. Oh, you thought you got to keep that? Sorry to burst the bubble.

The cherry on top is the ever-present need to express to anyone and everyone each complaint you have and let them share in the suffering with you. Except, people don't generally like suffering. Or complaining. Multiply it by nine months and you may not have much of a sympathetic audience left by the end. What to do?

An FHE Lesson

talking about "Feasting upon the words of Christ," I asked the girls what some of the things Christ told us were:

Andrea: "Jesus said to love one another - even if they're bad and want to hurt us."
Me: "Well, yeah, sorta... Lacie? Do you know anything that Jesus said?"
Lacie: "Jesus said to kill all the bad guys!"

next week's lesson: Trials and Opposition

Saturday, January 22, 2011


Lacie: "Mom, I'm having a hard time watching this show."

Me: "Really? Why is that?"
Lacie: "Because you're in here."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Lacie: "You're d-i-s-t-r-a-c-t-i-n-g me."

Monday, January 17, 2011

Kid humor

Andrea: "Knock, knock."
Lacie: "Who's there?"
Andrea: "Skateboard."
Lacie: "Skateboard who?"
Andrea & Lacie in unison: "Skateboard bonk her on the head!"

...did I miss something?

Friday, January 14, 2011

doctor visit tips

1. Don't schedule on a day your kids get out of school early. You have to take them all with you.
2. Don't schedule during your 2-yr old's nap time. He will make you pay for it.
3. Don't wear coats. I don't care how cold it is outside. This is Texas, and therefore the offices will crank the heat up to 77 degrees. You will end up a walking coat-rack.
4. Don't trust mapquest's time allotment. They don't factor in getting kids in car seats, finding a parking spot, toddlers running away, etc.
5. Don't forget wipes. They are just as crucial as the extra diaper. Sometimes more-so.
6. Do bring new and exciting entertainment objects for each kid so they're occupied and not whining, fighting, running around, or touching things not meant to be touched. Just don't ask me what the new and exciting stuff is - I clearly haven't figured that out yet.
7. Do make sure your kid actually knows the alphabet when they are given a sight exam. It helps on the accuracy of the exam.
8. Do distract younger siblings who happen to be obsessed with the alphabet during the sight exam. It also helps the accuracy of the exam if little brother isn't calling out the names of the letters before the patient can.
9. Do purchase ahead of time one of those cool hearing amplifier things they sell on tv. That way you can hear the barely audible whisper of the doc, explaining why your kid needs surgery over the commotion of your kids. Of course, if it only amplifies the commotion of your kids and not the doc you're in trouble.
10. Do make sure that if you have an eye appointment you don't go to the dentist and wonder why they don't have you on the schedule. Not only will this save you time, but embarrassment from making the office staff search for 10 mins as to the reason you're not in the system at which time you realize you're at the orthodontist and not opthamologist.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Random Thoughts

1. Just got back from the OB/GYN. It's been 9 weeks since my last appt. Whoops. I informed my doc about the date I've set for this kid to come (2/22). He says, "Yeah... good luck with that."

2. I don't understand why kids run away from diaper changes. I mean, is it really so fun to walk around with a dirty nappy hanging between your legs? I don't get it.

3. After-school pick-up zones are the most absolute dangerous places to drive/walk.

4. It's not very comforting when you tell your doc you are in incredible amounts of pain and he just chuckles.

5. The latest name we're considering for the baby is Zeus. Is that too ostentatious?

6. Am I completely unreasonable for refusing to wash the the crock pot if Mark refuses to use the liners?

7. I'm still at a loss for the perfect response to a kid who is constantly complaining that things aren't fair. I always hated the old, "Life isn't fair," but I can't think of anything better. Any ideas?

8. I hate banana chairs.

9. I can't help myself when watching movies and the characters are about to make a really bad decision -- no matter how many times I've seen it, I will still try to "talk" them out of it.

10. Hyrum's current obsession is to put things up one or both of his nostrils. I don't even bother to fight him on it anymore.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


Can I count it as having had a "pregnancy moment" if it's not the first or even second time I've locked myself out of the house?

The good news is that no one called the cops on me as I tried to kick in my own door. Again.

The bad news is that on a highly visible and trafficked street, someone can kick against the front door for 20 minutes with people driving and walking past, even parking at the house across the street, and not say or do a dang thing.

Then again, with my big ole pregnant belly, maybe I don't look the part of threatening criminal. But then, wouldn't my plight be all the more visible and pathetic-looking?

Btw, I never did manage to kick the door in. Mark did a good job repairing it from the last time I did - and was successful. Which is good, since our friend in the neighborhood just got robbed a couple days ago. Good thing I locked the house up tight, huh?

Christmas 2010

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I'm a little slow in my posting, but I have good excuses. I always have excuses. It's one of my specialties. :)
Anyhow, this year was quite different and cannot go unmentioned. We did something we never tried before and traveled to spend the holiday with friends! Dear friends, mind you, that we consider to be pretty much family, but still. It was different. And awesome! We went down to San Antonio along with the Hawses and stayed with "Aunt Sally" and "Uncle Joe" Davidson, as our kids know them. What a trip! It was honestly so unexpectedly relaxed and laid-back, I think we were all surprised. We just talked and laughed ourselves silly. And that's saying something, considering the super-cool gift we brought...
That would be the stomach flu.
Oh yeah! Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like spreading the joys of puking all night.
In our short time there we managed to spread the love from Hyrum to Andrea to Maggie to Mark to Caleb to me and to Tracy.
But before all were able to squeeze in some goodtime down town.

The kids absolutely loved, and yet were completely freaked out by the huge, moving dinosaur.

We attempted going to the Alamo, but it was closed for the holiday. Poor Mark. Two trips there now and still hasn't seen it!

We did manage to get some good peeks inside and got a very animated re-telling of the story from an off-duty tour guide.

The kids LOVED hanging together.
So. Dang. Cute.

Dawn was so great with the kids, and they all loved her.
On Christmas Eve, in all their new Christmas jammies, they all piled on her lap while she read stories to them.

Christmas morning!!

Thank you Davidsons!
Thank you Hawses!
We had such a blast. We should do it again some time... minus all the sick, of course.