Too funny not to post

So I originally had this under my Political Arena as a commentary on how the banks are REALLY running, but it's just way too good to possibly miss.
(And don't worry that it's South Park -- it's clean, I promise.)

WANTED:

1 Magic Wand

Must work on laundry, dishes and bathrooms. Needs to include behavior modification settings for ages infant-adult. Hair versatility isn't necessary, though desirable, but weight management is a definite must.
Looking for the model that includes the menu planning, bill paying, errand running, and dinner making options with a built-in food storage rotation as well as missionary and compassionate service meals schedule. Lesson planning for Visiting Teaching and FHE is a bonus. Would like the automated Thank You and Birthday card mailing service with added Facebook and Blog status updates.
Needs to be able to transform frumpy wardrobe into moviestar glam, remove stretch marks and cellulite, make botox and boob lifts unnecessary, and vanish all signs of aging including but not limited to yellowing teeth, wrinkles, sun spots, and saggy skin. Should be able to eliminate all dirt/dust from the house and keep any and all toys confined to one small area. Garbage duty and lawn mowing must never be an issue, and babysitting on demand is a must.
And since this is a magic wand we're talking about, could I also get my mortgage and debt paid off?

Medical Advice

Doctor: You need to get rid of that binky (referring to Lacie).
Me: I know, I've been trying. I just don't know how to do it.
Doctor: You throw it in the garbage.

Thanks...

For Mom and Molly

Beef Taco Ring



Okay, so the picture doesn't do it justice, but this is one of my more deceivingly impressive-looking meals. So easy. So good. Bring on the compliments.

1 lb ground beef/turkey, cooked
1 c. cheddar cheese, shredded
2 Tbsp water
1 clove garlic, minced

Combine in a bowl, set aside.

Take 2 cans of Pillsbury crescent rolls (I use the reduced fat. Seriously, you can't tell.) and divide into triangles. Arrange 1 can (8 triangles) in a circle on a pan with tips facing out -- looks like a sun. Arrange the other 8 triangles in a circle facing inward, with the bottoms (fat part) meeting the bottoms of the first can.
Scoop meat mixture on the triangles where the bottoms meet, all the way around the circle. Then fold the tops of the triangles up over in a criss-cross pattern (start with an "in" then use an "out"). Tuck all the edges under.

Bake at 350 degrees, 20-25 mins.

Hangin' Out

I never had one of those Johnny-Jumper things with either of the girls. Lacie wouldn't have cared. It would have been a lifesaver with Andrea. Oh well. With Hyrum I have 2 - thank you Amy! Thank you Angela! - and since the little man likes to stand I figured I'd let him have a go.



Okay, well I think I had it a bit too low...



And his sisters kept pushing him and running away...



But overall I think it was a success. Wahoo - a new distraction!

Lacie-isms

Today at Church

During the Sacrament...
Lacie had just eaten the bread, then told me she wanted some water. I replied that we didn't get the water just yet -- that they had to say the prayer first. So she folded her arms, bowed her head and started: "Heavenly Father, thank you for this day..."

After Primary...
Lacie's Primary teachers are awesome. To illustrate the "Thankful for Fish" lesson they sent home a little beta fish with each child. (That's not why they're awesome, but it is a good example.) Upon showing Mark her fish he warned her to be careful with it.
"I know," she said, "or it will run away and I will have to catch it with a rope."

Sign of the Times

I found this on a friend's facebook page and followed it to her blog. I thought it very interesting, pretty validating, but overall quite sad. It states what has gone around in my mind so very many times. Good read.

Why 4 (Kids) is the New 6 and 5 is the New 11

[credit to Amber Hawkins Warren: http://alicesworld.wordpress.com]

I’m listening to the delicate and lulling sound of my teething son screaming himself to sleep, wondering how it is that people are still having multiple children. In fact, in Utah (where I live) it’s quite common. So common than my mother-in-law is disappointed that we only want 2. Maybe 3. But maybe just 2. Notwithstanding freaky Octomom, there are a lot of normal parents having a big family. My parents had 6. I think they’re normal.

But there are a lot of differences in the world in which my parents raised a family and the world in which I am now raising a family. So this blogpost, while not condoning or condemning anyone for their chosen family size, is an attempt to justify why I think it’s a lot harder to have a big family these days.

1. Social Pressure. My parents started a family back in 1959 when having a big family was more common. The US family size was 3.35, whereas now it’s somewhere around 2.5. You could go to a public place (restaurant, business) with 6 kids in tow and not get impudently stared at. Now, I’m one of those gawkers. I see more than three children and I lose focus on whatever I’m doing. Thoughts like “how do their parents keep their names straight” and “how do they fit them all in one car” race through my mind. Now it’s just not the norm to have more than 2 children. Social pressure says any more than two is just plain extravagant.
2. Fitting all those Kids in Car Seats. My parents fit 6 kids in a station wagon that now would fit barely 3 kids with car seats now. Back then, we fit in there just fine. Four in the back and two in the seat-less cargo area. Now that you need kids in car seats until they’re 20 (ok it’s eight) how are parents supposed to fit all their kids in the car at the same time? Seriously, you can forget about a fuel-efficient vehicle. We rarely wore seat belts when we were kids. Taking corners, we’d jam our shoulders into our brother or sister, smashing them into the car door. We climbed over the seats and fought. It was great fun. Soccer moms get blamed for their huge, glitzy SUVs with DVD players, but what else are the kids going to do while they’re in seat prison?
3. Challenge of Keeping Kids Safe. When I was growing up, my mom NEVER hovered over me when I was playing. She never played with me. She was in the kitchen making dinner, taking a rest, sewing, etc. I had plenty of freedom and plenty of ground to cover. I played in the backyard with my best friend Alicia, in her backyard, in the field across the street. We rode bikes around the neighborhood, we walked to Top Stop 3 miles away. The world was just different when I was growing up. My mom didn’t have to worry about whether or not someone was going to steal me away or kidnap me while I’m playing in the backyard. Not to sound too doom and gloom about “our world today” but here’s the material point: my mother got her “me” time. She wasn’t constantly with me. Mothers these days can’t just go send their kids off to the park. They have to go with them. This cuts in considerably on mommy’s “get anything done” time. Consequently, they turn to TV and video games to entertain their young kids since they can’t send them off to play by themselves very easily anymore. So moms get stuff done and kids get fat.
4. Financial Pressure. Somewhere along the lines, we got to thinking that kids should have their own bedrooms. Kids should have their own computers. Kids need their own cell phones. Kids need designer clothes. Notwithstanding all this nonsense, which is also very real right now, my parents bought their 5 bedroom Bountiful home for $20,000. That’s right, it’s not missing a zero. Now homes are 20 times that amount for a 5 bedroom. Homes now are bigger, but they don’t offer more bedrooms, just more vaulted ceilings. The ratio to the cost of a home and our salaries nowhere compares to how it was when my parents bought their home. Houses cost more and incomes are not rising to the occasion. I think we could do more and live on less than we do, but the cost of raising a family is higher than it used to be when bigger families were more prominent.

Just Desserts

After hitting Andrea in the head and then lying to me about it, I asked Lacie what sort of punishment she thought she should get for being so naughty. Her response?
"Give me a hot dog."
"A hot dog?" I asked, confused.
"Yes," she replied. "It's something yummy to put in my mouth."

Sure, kid. I'll get that for you right away.

A Contest

Background:
Half of the fun of blogging is coming up with clever titles for each post. It's almost as important as the post itself. Well... not really. But almost. Anyway, today I had a situation that absolutely merited blogging. As is my custom, while cleaning up the mess I thought about how I would blog the scenario, thus distracting myself from the temptation to get angry or despair.
While contemplating today's scenario, however, I found myself struggling to decide upon a title for the post. Not because I couldn't think of one, but because I kept thinking of more and more. And all of a sudden, my post was not nearly as funny as the title. Thinking it tragic not to share in the fun, I am now going to put it to you, the reader (readers? I have no idea who reads this blog) to come up with and/or vote on the title.
I hope you have as much fun as I did.

Scenario:
Okay, so the little scene that started it all is this -- the girls were in the kitchen with me , receiving their first lesson on how to make Jell-O. In the background a Barbie movie was playing at a point in the show where one of the characters sings the famous Queen of the Night aria from the opera The Magic Flute.
With such inspiring background music it was only natural that we joined in... at the top of our lungs I might add. I was delighted that the girls were so enthusiastically warbling along until Andrea's wobbly vibrato turned into trembling tears and we both realized that the excitement and intensity of our own opera had caused her to wet her pants.

Titles:
Warning: only try this at home
The Dangers of Opera
Music Moves Me (my favorite)
The music kids listen to nowadays...
A girl, a song, and a wet floor
I blame Barbie
The Magic Flute isn't so magic

Your turn! What would you title this?

Nice try...

No, Lacie, dumping the contents of a dirty diaper into the training potty does not constitute as having "gone poopy in the potty!"

Hello? Is someone there?

Did you ever have the dream that you're in bed and you hear the sound of another adult in your home even after your husband has left for work?
Yeah, then I realize that it's not a dream and it means that either a) someone has broken into my house and is trying (in vain) to find something valuable to steal, or b) Andrea has yet again answered the door and let the person wander on in.
Either way, I'm still in bed, undressed, and clueless as to whether this person is friend or foe.

Problem/Solution

Having smart kids apparently means that even though I have every safety/sanity measure in place, they will still find a way around it.

i.e.

problem: kids make a mess of their closet and scatter every article of clothing around the house with their constant outfit-changing.
sanity measure: lock on the closet door.
solution: kids go through the dirty clothes hamper!

problem: kids want to go swimming in the middle of the winter.
sanity measure: I say "no" and go back to bed.
solution: kids make their own swimming pool on the kitchen floor with aid from the water-dispenser on the fridge.

problem: kids want unlimited access to glue - this should be a no-brainer as to why that's not a good idea.
sanity measure: glue is under lock and key and on the tip-top shelf in the closet.
solution: kids use applesauce in place of glue.

problem: kids want to chew gum. Ha!
sanity measure: I'm not giving my kids gum until they're old enough to pay for a salon to cut it out of their hair or a professional cleaner to get it out of my carpet.
solution: kids get gum from another source, like the park bench or sidewalk.

problem: kids have run out of the paper ration I have given them for the day and still want to cut out more stuff.
sanity measure: I now keep all papers in my "office/closet" which now has doors and a lock.
solution: kids use the papers Daddy unwittingly left on the counter - nothing important, just the proof of insurance for the friend's car we are borrowing.

An amazing 'grace'

Andrea has always been funny about prayers - saying them, not saying them, not letting anyone else say one, all the funny things she prays for, and on & on. At one point she was so excited to tell me, "Mom, did you hear me? I said 'We say these things'!!" -- as in 'we say these things in the name of...'
She was feeling really grown-up and proud of herself that day. Hilarious.

Then came the prayer that I did not expect. I was completely humbled. In absolute awe I witnessed my child, who had been happily playing along, stop so suddenly that I thought she'd stepped on something or hurt herself somehow. Instead, she said to no one in particular, "I need to say a prayer." Then she dropped to her knees and started to pray: she gave thanks for the day and for her health, for each member of the family and for a few favorite stuffed animals; she asked a blessing on the food; and then with a sincerity characteristic of only a child she asked Heavenly Father to help her to not be afraid of monsters or bad guys and to be able to sleep at night without being scared; then she ended her prayer. And just as suddenly as she had stopped she began playing again.

If I ever doubted before the importance of my role and influence, I will never doubt again.

Double-Teaming

Today Andrea asked/begged for me to let her use some scissors. I won't go into all the details as to why that was a very bad idea, but I told her "no."
She begged more. Pleaded. Cried. Stamped her little foot. Even tried threatening me. All very amusing for the first 30 seconds. When I finally got tired of her dramatic endeavors to change my mind I "firmly" told her that my answer wasn't going to change and if she kept it up I'd be forced to take disciplinary "action" ...

[Andrea runs out of the room crying.]
[Lacie enters, watching Andrea run past.]
[Lacie, to Mom]: "Mom, you need to share. Share and be nice to Andrea. You need to share and be nice to my little girl!"