Where I've been

If you're wondering why the sudden barrage of posts as of late (especially if you're on the email list and are getting all the older-dated posts), or why there has been such a drought for the last few months, it's because I've been otherwise engaged. Let's call it "me-time."
This has been a big landmark year for me - I turned 30. I hit my all-time highest weight and my all-time lowest self-esteem. I weened off a medication that was the equivalent of detoxing from heroin. I was seeing 2 counselors, a psychiatrist, my bishop, and was still on suicide watch. My kids saw sides of me I'm not proud of, and Andrea only went to school on the days I could get up in time to get her to school on time - at noon. Mark was unemployed and I couldn't seem to stop spending money that we didn't have. My life had been spiraling downward and seemed to be nearing the bottom. I wasn't taking calls; wouldn't answer the door. I was bitter over an early church time and consequently hadn't made it to Sacrament meeting once since the beginning of the year. I was overrun with guilt over neglecting my kids, not going to church, not doing my callings, bailing on PTA, CIC, ANWA, PIGs, and Date Night special interest group, but couldn't manage to do anything differently. I hated that I couldn't pull myself out and be the person I wanted to be. I resented Mark and acted defensive and vengeful. I hated everyone. Mostly, I hated myself.
I was out of control.

In what I consider now to be inspired intervention, I made a move that I considered then to be desperate and reckless. I signed up for a new and controversial weight-loss program. It promised quick, but lasting results. It was expensive, but offered a credit card to cover the cost. Without consulting Mark, and not caring about the ramifications, I embarked on a journey I thought I understood, but really knew nothing about. The program spotlighted my weaknesses and took away my escapes. It was hard, demoralizing and exposing. And had I done just the diet, that's all it would have been. But I soon realized there was more to my crisis than mere weight, and if I were to conquer myself I'd have to do more than just diet. It wasn't about saving my figure - it was about saving my life.
I looked toward the LDS church's addiction recovery program, and there I learned something I'd never dared believe - I was loved. Truly loved. In fact, there is nothing I can do to not be loved.
It is not in my power to make myself un-loved.
The control is not in my hands, the decision is not mine, and there is no burden to prove myself. Even now, I can't express the joy and relief this gives me!
I threw myself into the program with renewed fervor. And while it took away my liberties, it gave me back control; it showed me I did have self-discipline and that I could succeed. I've started attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings where I gain great strength by the support of the group. I'm trying to face my demons by taking responsibility for the shortcomings I've blamed on others for so long. I still have far to go - I am in no way "fixed." But I have hope - for the first time.

Now the fun part!
Okay, yes, this is embarrassing. I'm still not comfortable with my body and I'm HORRIFIED at where I was.
BUT,
in the spirit of documenting my progress I am willing to release evidence of my metamorphasis. The physical part, anyway. And yes, I still have a long way to go. Gotta start somewhere, right?!






From beginning of March to the end of May I lost 42+ lbs and a cumulative 64".
(That's how tall I am, by the way - 64"!!)

I am by no means perfect - or even stable (!), but I'm doing better. I am committed to improvement. I am not deterred by setbacks. I'm learning to hand control over to a higher power, and I finally believe He will actually take my burdens.
I love my Savior. I love my family. I love my friends. Thank you to everyone who has helped me in & through this difficult time. There is still much to do, but as my counselor says,
"When there's no more work to do, you're dead!"